Ang Examen

 

Pilgrim's Pitstop: Who is the God You Encounter in Prayer?

In many an Ignatian retreat, the spiritual director would often ask retreatants at the last session of the day of the God they encountered. This is a beautiful, often poignant experience. The God that one discovers during a time of selected silence and reflection in prayer lends great consolation to the searcher. Knowing God strengthens one’s spiritual moorings as he or she sets out into the world once more.

In Magis Deo, after fifteen years of spiritual journey of prayer and service, I found out that I need not wait for the scheduled Annual Ignatian Retreat to encounter God. Though, attendance to the AIR once a year can be life affirming indeed -- opening up to more growth in discernment and in developing a deeper, more personal relationship with God. The daily prayer and journaling, the Examen and the sharing of fruits of reflection, insights and the response to action during BCGG prayer meetings are processes that involve the finding of God in every possible way.

I once asked myself a long time ago the reason and the necessity of finding God. Why is there an emphasis in finding God in all things? Isn’t God, like love is, all around us? Such is the line in a popular Beatles song.

Over time, I realized that there is grace in the act of finding God. It is hard work. It is discipline. It is faith in action. It is fidelity. It is, in itself an act of love. Opening and offering these graces during a BCGG meeting makes God real, authentic, living and moving. There lies the affirmation of His unending love and presence in each and every form of life. Creation is awash of His magnanimity. His generosity is overflowing that it squashes the ego and pride.

Recently, in a joint BCGG prayer meeting, I was struck at the God I encountered at that moment. How I share this image of God to the rest is awe inspiring as it gave me an assurance that I am not alone in this relatively new journey known as midlife. The following days inspired me to lengthen my prayer time and to consistently develop an awareness of God moving in my life.

What I discovered there, in that process of prayer and reflection was surprising even for me.

There is a sense of calm in the midst of chaos. Detachment. Being painfully honest to myself and to others. A new meaning of true love. A desire to understand and experience the peace in God’s presence.

And so, as a pilgrim, I continue to journey on with a grateful heart as companions in prayer and service are plenty to meet at every pitstop. In each step, at every turn and at rest there is God. 

God is with us. Emmanuel.

 

Pilgrim’s Pit Stop: Living and Loving in A Masked World

And so I am back after a long hiatus from writing and contributing to the Magis Deo Newsletter. One text message from Cesar Sangalang made me turn around. It was a reminder on the value of community involvement given the circumstances. As if living is not complicated enough, the COVID-19 pandemic disrupted everything I know as normal and manageable.

 Suddenly, distance and physical space took on a whole new meaning. Facts and information need to be verified and validated by critically examining the source and the intent of its authors before sharing them to the public. Divisions among people and culture have all been magnified and gaps appear to grow wider as science and technology push for cures and solutions to this virus as well as the illnesses that malign society today. To hear news from the Inter-agency Task Force every day does not help alleviate anxieties and fears in a time of uncertainty and unprecedented change. School campuses remain close but there is a need to continue learning most especially at home and from home. We all find ourselves in this predicament. But, strive we must to survive. And it is in the struggle where we thrive and find grace.

Take for example the basic health protocol of frequent hand washing, the observance of social distancing and the wearing of mask when going out. It all sounds simple to do but these health practices require generosity and kindness from each of us. It is about personal care, interior freedom and the challenge to continuously “be”. This is the call of the time and the teaching of Ignatius no less.

Of the three health guidelines, it is the wearing of masks that fascinates me to no end. Wearing a surgical mask, we protect ourselves from the coronavirus and those we get in contact with. Wearing a mask pre-COVID-19, however, had a different meaning. In the Marriage Encounter experience, wearing a mask is an act that prevents us from being authentic and real, but now it is considered an act of love. What remains as constant is God’s call to continue building a relationship with Him with or without a mask. Because our ways of loving differ from one another, the response to the call of nurturing this relationship varies too.

In my quest to find a quiet and scared space to be with God, I discovered Fall in Love, a poem by Fr. Pedro Arrupe.

Nothing is more practical than finding God, than

Falling in love

In a quiet absolute, final way

What are you in love with

What seizes your imagination, will

Affect everything.

It will decide

What will get you out of bed in the

Morning.

What you do with your evenings,

How you spend your weekends

What you read, whom you know,

What breaks your heart,

What amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love

And it will decide everything.

This poem helps me work through the Examen as I reflect on my desires and the grace asked and received especially in this time of pandemic.

Pilgrim's Pit Stop: Examen Prayer Apps

I started writing for the Magis Deo Newsletter nine or eight years ago. I took a hiatus for more than two years, I think. But, I am back now. Thanks to a divine intervention, I was inspired once more to write on a regular basis. Thanks to Magis Deo for allowing me a space to write once more in the Newsletter.

Last June, Pilgrim's Pit Stop debuted with an article on the anniversary of my Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) last April 2016. For the July issue, being the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on July 31, I write about the Examen Prayer and three mobile apps that assist and help direct anyone who is willing to do the Examen.

I was first introduced to the Examen by Fr. Jean Desautels SJ. I signed up for the 19th Annotation where he was the spiritual director. I was in my third year of employment at Xavier School at the time and having attended the yearly Ignatian Retreats provided by the school, I felt I needed to deepen my prayer and enhance my prayer life with more meaning and verve. There was also the Consortium required for all newbies. I attended this in the middle of the school year and oh my, how it rocked my soul! I didn't remember praying for God to disturb me, but He did at a time when I seemed to be demanding so much from my relationships and from life, in general. Yet, happiness had been an elusive dream. The Consortium was my spiritual baptism of fire. Looking back, it was there where my spiritual journey began. I will share about this sometime soon on another platform or issue of the Newsletter.

Now, for the apps. These mobile apps on the Examen Prayer are produced and created by the Loyola Press, JesuitPrayer.org and The Prodigal Father. These three apps are: the 3 Minute Retreat; Jesuit Prayer; and the EXAMEN Prayer App. All three follow the five steps of the Examen and all can be downloaded for free in mobile phones, laptops and PC, and tablets and iPads. An internet connection is needed to download the apps, of course, as well as Google Play for Android and iCloud or iTunes for iPhone users.

The Examen Prayer App is made by The Prodigal Father, Fr. Michael Denk. It has an introductory video where Fr. Denk instructs users of the app through the Examen. Of the three apps, it has a space for journaling which can be shared to one's spiritual director, confessor, spouse or a trusted friend via email. It includes a social media channel for sharing on Twitter and Facebook. Of course, the choice to put up one's prayer petitions out there is a personal choice. The app is password protected. Users of the app can set the alarm as a reminder to do the Examen twice in a day.

What I like about this app is the space for journaling because I can go back to it to review my prayer journey, my prayer petitions and resolutions, and the grace received for each day.

The Jesuit Prayer is an online ministry of the Jesuit Midwest and Jesuit West in cooperation with the Spiritual Outreach through Leadership, LCC. The app presents the scriptural reading and Gospel for the day, then lead users of the app to Ignatian Reflection and Ignatian Prayer. There is a separate space for the Examen, prayer cards and a link to the Pope's Prayer.

The 3 Minute Retreat is the creation of Loyola Press. It lives up to its name. It is short, sweet and simple. Yet, it follows the five steps in the Examen. Of the three, this app is something I recommend for people starting out in the Examen. The Examen is a prayer technique that is not easy to do, but when done regularly and if the person is willing, then, he or she can start small and build up towards longer prayer time.

If you think these apps on the Examen can help you, why not try it out. There is nothing wrong with the traditional way of praying the Examen either. I think the beautiful thing about Ignatian Prayer is that we are able to meet God where ever we are in our life cycles and life journeys.

St. Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us!

A Year After My Stroke of Luck

Finding inner peace can be a struggle.

When I was a still a school librarian in Xavier School, a classroom teacher became one of my assistants. She came from a long leave of absence after a minor stroke that rendered her insecure and fearful. While she tried her best to work alongside the healthier staff of the library, her moods and temperament swung from left to right. She couldn’t keep up with the entire demands and energy of the preschool community thus, the work assigned to her were few and light. Hoping this would give her the time and the pace to recoup, gather up her strength and go back to full time teaching for the next school year, she wallowed in self pity. It affected her work output and productivity. She became a burden to many on days when she was down.

It had not been easy for all of us, most especially for me as I was the librarian-in-charge of that library located in the early childhood education unit of the school. One day, she told me of her desire to go back to classroom teaching because, she utterly felt useless in the library. She believed she was meant to teach. Her health has stabilised somewhat according to her doctor. To go back in the classroom would renew her self confidence and vigor.

Who was I to prevent her? The next school year, she was moved back to the Grade School department to the relief of the staff and the teachers who endured her for one academic year.

I remember her now because today is the first year anniversary of my Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA). How easy it had been for me to dismiss faith and belief to someone who survived a stroke. Indeed, putting one’s self in the shoes of another is very different from experiencing a life changing event. The emotional and psychological recovery takes time. I remember her now with the realization of how fragile our bodies are, more so, our feelings and state of mind.

Now I know how it is to be insecure and afraid. To lie in bed, begging for sleep to come but worry hovers and keeps me awake for hours; to cling and to seek friends who would patiently listen to my complaints. The irrepressible Zarah Gagatiga is no more but a vulnerable woman afraid to die at any moment. There are days when, after a productive day at work, fear would gnaw at my insides and it would leave me exhausted until either of my kids or my husband assures and pacifies me. Telling me and reminding me of my worth. That I am loved. That I am not alone. I doubted myself a lot since the stroke. My prayer to God had been a litany of endurance and survival. Nahihiya na nga na ako sa Dios because, there are instances when I have become blind to the graces, the mercy and the blessings that came my way since the TIA.

At Nuvali on Easter, 2017

Yet, God’s love is stronger than my fears. Walang hangan ang kanyang pasensya. Walang katapusan ang kanyang pagmamahal.

Everyday, He continues to give me the grace to see the kindness in people and to bask in the glory and the goodness of His creation.

Despite myself, I pray for humility and a forgiving heart.

I wish I had been kinder to that former colleague of mine. No one knows if I will see her again. But, I resolve to live life one day at a time; to be simply grateful for every breath and for every waking moment; to be kind and to do goodness for as long as I live.