A Year After My Stroke of Luck

Finding inner peace can be a struggle.

When I was a still a school librarian in Xavier School, a classroom teacher became one of my assistants. She came from a long leave of absence after a minor stroke that rendered her insecure and fearful. While she tried her best to work alongside the healthier staff of the library, her moods and temperament swung from left to right. She couldn’t keep up with the entire demands and energy of the preschool community thus, the work assigned to her were few and light. Hoping this would give her the time and the pace to recoup, gather up her strength and go back to full time teaching for the next school year, she wallowed in self pity. It affected her work output and productivity. She became a burden to many on days when she was down.

It had not been easy for all of us, most especially for me as I was the librarian-in-charge of that library located in the early childhood education unit of the school. One day, she told me of her desire to go back to classroom teaching because, she utterly felt useless in the library. She believed she was meant to teach. Her health has stabilised somewhat according to her doctor. To go back in the classroom would renew her self confidence and vigor.

Who was I to prevent her? The next school year, she was moved back to the Grade School department to the relief of the staff and the teachers who endured her for one academic year.

I remember her now because today is the first year anniversary of my Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA). How easy it had been for me to dismiss faith and belief to someone who survived a stroke. Indeed, putting one’s self in the shoes of another is very different from experiencing a life changing event. The emotional and psychological recovery takes time. I remember her now with the realization of how fragile our bodies are, more so, our feelings and state of mind.

Now I know how it is to be insecure and afraid. To lie in bed, begging for sleep to come but worry hovers and keeps me awake for hours; to cling and to seek friends who would patiently listen to my complaints. The irrepressible Zarah Gagatiga is no more but a vulnerable woman afraid to die at any moment. There are days when, after a productive day at work, fear would gnaw at my insides and it would leave me exhausted until either of my kids or my husband assures and pacifies me. Telling me and reminding me of my worth. That I am loved. That I am not alone. I doubted myself a lot since the stroke. My prayer to God had been a litany of endurance and survival. Nahihiya na nga na ako sa Dios because, there are instances when I have become blind to the graces, the mercy and the blessings that came my way since the TIA.

At Nuvali on Easter, 2017

Yet, God’s love is stronger than my fears. Walang hangan ang kanyang pasensya. Walang katapusan ang kanyang pagmamahal.

Everyday, He continues to give me the grace to see the kindness in people and to bask in the glory and the goodness of His creation.

Despite myself, I pray for humility and a forgiving heart.

I wish I had been kinder to that former colleague of mine. No one knows if I will see her again. But, I resolve to live life one day at a time; to be simply grateful for every breath and for every waking moment; to be kind and to do goodness for as long as I live.

My Stroke of Luck: Trying to Make Sense of It All (2 of 3)

I write this a month after my stroke. I am still trying to make sense of it all.

Something in my gut tells me that I have spread myself too thinly. I realize that slowing down is no longer an option. It is a must! I need to give up multi-tasking of work and responsibilities. I must learn how to pace my activities. It is difficult for me to say no, but I can't do everything. I must make wise choices on projects to pursue and advocacies to champion. And boy, these are not easy things to do. Knowing me, my first enemy is myself.

A week after I got out of the hospital, I had a follow up visit with my neurologist. I had a dozen of questions for her. The medical term for the stroke I had is Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), also known as mini-stroke. All my tests, from MRI to EEG, ultrasound of the carotid arteries to 2D echo didn't show negative impressions. My blood chemistry results, however, show a high cholesterol count and plaque build up in my arteries has begun.

On the bright side, TIA can be medically managed. Age and genetics are two factors that medical science cannot control though. A change in lifestyle and age appropriate choices can be done. So now, I am taking blood thinners and Lipitor. Drinking warm water diluted with honey and apple cider vinegar in the morning and before going to bed has been part of my routine. I have observed eating a low calorie diet since my weight loss program in 2014 (OplanBalik Alindog) but now, I strictly follow a white meat, low fat, veggie diet. I have lost 6 lbs already. It sounds drastic. Yes, the worrier that I am, I go "praning" on days when I feel so low. Maybe I need to walk or run again.

People say I am strong and courageous. But what they do not know is that, fear and anxiety still rest in my heart. I worry. A lot. I drive my husband crazy. My kids are exasperated with me at times. What comforts me is the thought that I am still alive. I go to bed at night praying for light, for healing, for God to grant me with a listening heart and a feeling mind. Honestly, there are times, when even this does not seem to work for me.

But I go on. I talk to my body organs. I apologize if I tire them out at the end of the day. I promise to take care of myself by following my neurologist's treatment plan for me. The nutrionist advised me to eat a low fat diet. I have religiously done so since I was discharged from Makati Medical Center on Friday night, three days after the stroke. Believe it or not, I was cleared fit to go back to work the following Monday. That was the only advise by my neurologist that I didn't follow. I was scared to push myself. I still am fearful of another attack.

Indeed, it is my luck to survive this stroke. But the road to recovery is another story.